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Presidential spokesman Tony Snow said he has a growth in his lower abdomen. Not surprisingly, he won't get surgery on it since President Bush will not accept any type of withdrawal. Not only that, doctors cannot pinpoint the exact area of the growth since its in an undisclosed location. º º º º º º º º º º Cuba.com The United States recently asked Congress for $80 million to be spent on allowing Cubans to have uncensored access to the Internet, a majority of which will be spent on setting up Cuba's My Space page. º º º º º º º º º º No Sex Paris Hilton told GQ magazine that she has only had sex with two men in her lifetime. Not surprisingly, she considers a "lifetime" to be exactly 3 hours. º º º º º º º º º º Heat Wave For a third day in a row, temperatures along the East Coast climbed into the triple-digits. Not surprisingly, Mel Gibson blamed it on the Jews. º º º º º º º º º º False Alarm The Rayburn House Office Building was locked down for five hours after a pneumatic construction hammer was mistaken for gunshots. Not surprisingly, President Bush declared war on all pneumatic hammers. Bush also said pneumatic hammers hate us for our freedom. º º º º º º º º º º Small Member CNN is reporting that General Motors will cease production on the Hummer H1 truck. As a result, a large number of insecure men have reported a sensation of their penis's shrinking. º º º º º º º º º º President's Plans The Associated Press is reporting that a sanitation worker found a minute-by-minute schedule of President Bush's recent trip to Florida in the trash. He knew it was the President's schedule when he saw a stop at a Chuck E. Cheese. º º º º º º º º º º Blaine Again Illusionist David Blaine latest stunt is to spend seven days in a sphere filled with water then break the world record by holding his breath for more than 8 minutes, 58 seconds. Not only that, he is adding to the danger by using FEMA as an emergency backup. After being removed from the sphere unconscious and convulsing, Blaine's doctors thought he might have brain damage because his speech was slurred and he had a dazed look in his eyes...no, wait, that was President Bush. º º º º º º º º º º Rummy Attacked President Bush offered Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld his "full support" after mounting criticism of Rumsfeld's performance by retired generals. Most people were skeptical of Bush's comments when he also said, "Rummie, you're doing a heck of a job". º º º º º º º º º º More What Do These Things Have in Common?
Click here for answer º º º º º º º º º º Late News According to CNN, the Bush administration waited almost 24 hours before acknowledging that Vice President Dick Cheney had accidentally shot a hunting companion. In their defense, they relied on FEMA to deliver the news. º º º º º º º º º º Better Late President Bush recently gave details that a planned terrorist attack on Los Angeles in 2002 was thwarted by international cooperation. He also revealed that humans landed on the moon and that polio has been cured. º º º º º º º º º º Sticks and Stones In a videotape released today, Ayman Al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's top aide, called President Bush a "butcher" and a "loser." Not surprisingly, Bush fired back calling Al-Zawahiri a "stupid head". º º º º º º º º º º Roof Collapse According to CNN, an arena roof collapsed trapping 100 people attending a carrier pigeon fair in southern Poland. The real question authorities are trying to determine is how there are 100 people interested in carrier pigeons. º º º º º º º º º º After 'N Sync With little chance of an 'N Sync reunion, Lance Bass and Joey Fatone are starting a new reality show based on their lives. Critics, however, are not giving the show much of a chance, saying people are not interested in the lives of fast food workers. º º º º º º º º º º Muslim Land According to CNN, a videotape of Osama bin Laden has surfaced offering a "long-term truce", citing polls that indicate, "Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land". When he heard the news, President Bush said, "Is Muslim land near Disney Land?" º º º º º º º º º º Excessive Grab Al Gore called for a special counsel to investigate the NSA domestic spying program and called on Congress and the public to resist a "gross and excessive power grab" by the Bush administration. Ironically, the last time a President was accused of a "gross and excessive power grab" was when Gore was Vice President. º º º º º º º º º º Not News L. Paul Bremer, the former U.S. administrator of Iraq, said in the New York Times that he, "...made some mistakes in Iraq". Not surprisingly, his comments weren't considered news since its something everyone in the world already knew. º º º º º º º º º º Death-free According to the Associated Press, New Jersey passed a ban on the death penalty. They determined being in New Jersey was punishment enough. º º º º º º º º º º Bad Movie A Kentucky woman sat dead in front of a TV for two years before being discovered. Coincidentally, she died around the time "Gigli" came out on DVD. º º º º º º º º º º
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