A Comedy Notebook

2007-03-23T23:18:00.000-04:00

Presidential spokesman Tony Snow said he has a growth in his lower abdomen. Not surprisingly, he won't get surgery on it since President Bush will not accept any type of withdrawal.

Not only that, doctors cannot pinpoint the exact area of the growth since its in an undisclosed location.

2006-08-11T21:57:00.001-04:00

Cuba.com
The United States recently asked Congress for $80 million to be spent on allowing Cubans to have uncensored access to the Internet, a majority of which will be spent on setting up Cuba's My Space page.

2006-08-11T21:57:00.000-04:00

No Sex
Paris Hilton told GQ magazine that she has only had sex with two men in her lifetime. Not surprisingly, she considers a "lifetime" to be exactly 3 hours.

2006-08-02T13:57:00.000-04:00

Heat Wave
For a third day in a row, temperatures along the East Coast climbed into the triple-digits. Not surprisingly, Mel Gibson blamed it on the Jews.

2006-05-27T00:13:00.000-04:00

False Alarm
The Rayburn House Office Building was locked down for five hours after a pneumatic construction hammer was mistaken for gunshots. Not surprisingly, President Bush declared war on all pneumatic hammers.

Bush also said pneumatic hammers hate us for our freedom.

2006-05-13T17:54:00.000-04:00

Small Member
CNN is reporting that General Motors will cease production on the Hummer H1 truck. As a result, a large number of insecure men have reported a sensation of their penis's shrinking.

2006-05-12T09:32:00.000-04:00

President's Plans
The Associated Press is reporting that a sanitation worker found a minute-by-minute schedule of President Bush's recent trip to Florida in the trash. He knew it was the President's schedule when he saw a stop at a Chuck E. Cheese.

2006-05-02T22:45:00.000-04:00

Blaine Again
Illusionist David Blaine latest stunt is to spend seven days in a sphere filled with water then break the world record by holding his breath for more than 8 minutes, 58 seconds. Not only that, he is adding to the danger by using FEMA as an emergency backup.

After being removed from the sphere unconscious and convulsing, Blaine's doctors thought he might have brain damage because his speech was slurred and he had a dazed look in his eyes...no, wait, that was President Bush.

2006-04-14T17:13:00.001-04:00

Rummy Attacked
President Bush offered Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld his "full support" after mounting criticism of Rumsfeld's performance by retired generals. Most people were skeptical of Bush's comments when he also said, "Rummie, you're doing a heck of a job".

2006-02-16T13:01:00.000-05:00

More What Do These Things Have in Common?

Osama Bin Laden

A U.S. Navy Seal

Dick Cheney

Click here for answer

2006-02-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

Late News
According to CNN, the Bush administration waited almost 24 hours before acknowledging that Vice President Dick Cheney had accidentally shot a hunting companion. In their defense, they relied on FEMA to deliver the news.

2006-02-11T15:56:00.000-05:00

Better Late
President Bush recently gave details that a planned terrorist attack on Los Angeles in 2002 was thwarted by international cooperation. He also revealed that humans landed on the moon and that polio has been cured.

2006-01-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

Sticks and Stones
In a videotape released today, Ayman Al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's top aide, called President Bush a "butcher" and a "loser." Not surprisingly, Bush fired back calling Al-Zawahiri a "stupid head".

2006-01-28T18:45:00.000-05:00

Roof Collapse
According to CNN, an arena roof collapsed trapping 100 people attending a carrier pigeon fair in southern Poland. The real question authorities are trying to determine is how there are 100 people interested in carrier pigeons.

2006-01-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

After 'N Sync
With little chance of an 'N Sync reunion, Lance Bass and Joey Fatone are starting a new reality show based on their lives. Critics, however, are not giving the show much of a chance, saying people are not interested in the lives of fast food workers.

2006-01-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Muslim Land
According to CNN, a videotape of Osama bin Laden has surfaced offering a "long-term truce", citing polls that indicate, "Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land". When he heard the news, President Bush said, "Is Muslim land near Disney Land?"

2006-01-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

Excessive Grab
Al Gore called for a special counsel to investigate the NSA domestic spying program and called on Congress and the public to resist a "gross and excessive power grab" by the Bush administration. Ironically, the last time a President was accused of a "gross and excessive power grab" was when Gore was Vice President.

2006-01-13T14:43:00.000-05:00

Not News
L. Paul Bremer, the former U.S. administrator of Iraq, said in the New York Times that he, "...made some mistakes in Iraq". Not surprisingly, his comments weren't considered news since its something everyone in the world already knew.

2006-01-12T00:45:00.001-05:00

Death-free
According to the Associated Press, New Jersey passed a ban on the death penalty. They determined being in New Jersey was punishment enough.

2006-01-12T00:03:00.000-05:00

Bad Movie
A Kentucky woman sat dead in front of a TV for two years before being discovered. Coincidentally, she died around the time "Gigli" came out on DVD.

2005-12-15T22:50:00.000-05:00

Learn English Good
A recent study has shown that one in 20 adults in the U.S. are not literate enough in English to handle many everyday tasks, such as banking, shopping and being President of the United States.

2005-12-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

DJ Dylan
Bob Dylan plans to host a weekly radio show on XM Satellite Radio. Not surprisingly, it will be the first radio show with an interpreter.

2005-12-14T13:20:00.000-05:00

My Bad
President Bush said he accepts responsibility for the failed intelligence that led to the war in Iraq. In addition to taking responsibility for the federal government's response to Hurricane Katrina, his punishment will be...nothing.

2005-12-12T18:11:00.000-05:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

Why are Bill Gates and Bono sitting together?

A. They are attending a peace summit

B. Bono is touring Microsoft

C. Gates just bought Bono for a cool million

2005-12-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

AOL Split
AOL co-founder, Steve Case, told Time Warner's board that the company should be split into four business units. The board read his message in an essay published in The Washington Post and on thousands of CD's sent in the mail.

2005-12-08T14:49:00.000-05:00

Bush Saves
In an annual ceremony over Thanksgiving, President Bush pardoned two turkeys from an almost certain death. They were scheduled to be sent to Iraq.

2005-11-01T00:12:00.000-05:00

Remote Human
Researchers in Japan have developed a technology that allows humans to be controlled with a remote control. When he heard the news, President Bush said, "Cheney has been using that for years."

2005-10-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

Mother Jolie
Angelina Jolie told People magazine that she wants more kids. Ironically, Michael Jackson said the same thing.

2005-10-25T14:29:00.000-04:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

Who is the woman in this photo?

A. A Florida resident cleaning her house after Hurricane Wilma

B. A social worker fixing up a house after Hurricane Wilma

C. FEMA's emergency response team

2005-10-25T12:32:00.000-04:00

Wilma's Wrath
After Hurricane Wilma swept through Florida, authorities worked to restore to millions of residents their basic daily necessities, such as electricity, food, water and adult diapers.

2005-10-02T15:08:00.000-04:00

Supreme Choice
President Bush said he has not made up his mind who he will nominate next for the U.S. Supreme Court. He hasn't been able to get a hold of Dick Cheney.

2005-09-12T16:05:00.000-04:00

Brown Out
Mike Brown stepped down as FEMA's director today after the agency's mismanaged handling of Hurricane Katrina. Not surprisingly, he resigned a week ago but no one responded to it.

2005-08-31T17:37:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Bush
President Bush spent 35 minutes looking out the window of Air Force One as it flew over the disaster area left by Hurricane Katrina. Not surprisingly, when asked what shocked him the most, he said, "Everyone looks like little ants from up here".

Not only that, because the summer heat in New Orleans is making conditions worse for the victims, Bush said it would have been better if Hurricane Katrina had hit in the winter.

2005-07-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

Party Mom
A Colorado woman, who wanted to be a "cool mom", pleaded guilty to sexual assault charges after providing drugs and alcohol to eight high school boys and having sex with five of them. Not surprisingly, she was voted the Coolest Mom in their high school.

2005-07-20T12:28:00.000-04:00

Court Confirmation
President Bush said that he is confident the confirmation of Supreme Court Justice nominee John Roberts Jr. will "move forward in a dignified, civil way." He quickly added, "unlike my presidency".

2005-06-11T14:59:00.000-04:00

Credit Limit
The leading G7 nations agreed to forgive $55 billion in credit debt for the world's poorest countries. Not only that, they are allowed to keep the 550,000 reward points they've accumulated.

2005-05-31T14:15:00.000-04:00

Up To The Task
President Bush said on Tuesday that Iraq's fledgling government will be "plenty capable" of dealing with the insurgents. When asked what he meant by "plenty capable", he said "not a chance in hell".

2005-04-10T12:43:00.000-04:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

What is The Pope thinking in this photo?

A. "Technology is a gift from God"

B. "It is amazing what man has created"

C. "Dude, I got a Dell"

2005-04-09T23:36:00.000-04:00

Royal Wedding
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were married in a low-key and solemn ceremony and then left to begin their honeymoon in Scotland. Not surprisingly, the English people are having a hard time getting over the thought of Prince Charles having sex.

2005-02-22T16:56:00.000-05:00

Bush vs. Iran
President Bush said it is "simply ridiculous" that the United States has plans to attack Iran over its alleged nuclear weapons program. He said the US plans to attack Iran "because we can".

2004-12-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

Bush Gives Thanks
President Bush visited Canada to thank the Canadians for helping stranded U.S. airline passengers after the September 11th terrorist attacks. He went on to say that it did not make up for giving us Celine Dion.

2004-11-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

O'Reilly Kids
Talk show host Bill O'Reilly's book, The O'Reilly Factor for Kids, is number one on the list of non-fiction books for kids, beating out...no other book.

2004-11-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

Places of Atrocities
The U.S. military said they have located torture rooms in Fallujah after finding cages, blood covered walls and a TV playing Gigli.

2004-11-17T15:59:00.000-05:00

Extinct Species
A new report released lists all of the species on the brink of extinction, which include 7,266 animals, 8,323 plants and the Democratic Party.

2004-11-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

Clinton Library
A new library, dedicated to Bill Clinton, opened in Little Rock, Arkansas. Not surprisingly, it is the only library to contain a VIP room.

2004-11-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

Falluja
US forces are saying a few insurgents are left in a Falluja, who are fighting alone with very little support. Similar to Ralph Nader's presidential campaign.

2004-11-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

Star Trek Phone
A company in California is selling a mobile phone that is an exact replica of the communicator used in Star Trek. Unfortunately, their customers have been complaining because they are getting bad reception in their parent's basements.

2004-11-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

State of Emergency
As U.S. and Iraqi forces prepare for an assault on insurgents in Falluja, Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi declared a state of emergency in the area for 60 days. Not only that, a state of emergency was also declared in the U.S. for 1,460 days after President Bush was re-elected.

When asked what he thought of Falluja, President Bush said he doesn't like Mexican food.

2004-11-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

CNN.com Election Day headlines not released:

2004-11-03T09:40:00.000-05:00

Provisional Ballots
Since the counting of provisional and absentee ballots would not happen for another 11 days, Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell told everyone to, "...take a deep breath and relax." Ironically, the last time those words were spoken in a public office was when Clinton was president.

2004-11-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

What is this a picture of?

A. President Bush calling his campaign manager for an update

B. President Bush calling his dad for advice

C. President Bush's aides helping him use a phone

2004-10-11T23:59:00.000-04:00

Russian Tube
Russian scientist are planning an experiment where 6 men will be locked in a metal tube for one year to mimic the stresses of a manned mission to Mars. Not surprisingly, Michael Jackson accused Russia of stealing the idea from him.

2004-10-09T18:45:00.000-04:00

Driving Juvenile
An 11-year old Missouri boy took his parent's car and drove 200 miles to the other side of the state without getting in an accident. In a related story, Billy Joel asked him for driving advice.

2004-10-03T23:11:00.000-04:00

Mount St. Helens
After releasing a cloud of steam, the U.S. Geological Survey issued a statement saying an eruption at Mount St. Helens is imminent. Not only that, the Bush Administration tried to connect it to Al Qaeda.

2004-09-28T11:56:00.000-04:00

Bush's Aid
President Bush asked Congress for more than $7.1 billion in aid to Florida after Hurricane Jeanne caused widespread damage to the area. Not surprisingly, the last time Bush sent money to Florida was four year ago in the form of "Election Aid".

2004-09-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

Hurricane Season
After Hurricane Charley, Frances and Ivan passed through Florida and realizing that Hurricane Jeanne will hit as well, Governor Jeb Bush officially changed Florida's nickname from "The Sunshine State" to "Mother Nature's Bitch".

2004-09-24T11:38:00.000-04:00

Iraqi Elections
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said violence in Iraq may prevent some citizens from participating in the upcoming elections, resulting in an election that is "not quite perfect". He went on to say if it works for America's election it will work for Iraq's.

2004-09-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

Iraqi Gratitude
Prime Minister Ayad Allawi, the interim leader of Iraq, spoke before a joint session of Congress, thanking America for "enormous sacrifices". Ironically, he also gave every member of Congress a new car.

2004-09-22T10:33:00.000-04:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

What is this a picture of?

A. Mickey and Minnie greeting visitors to Disney World

B. An opening of a new Disney Store

C. Michael Eisner's new job

2004-09-18T22:06:00.000-04:00

Texan Humiliation
After a Texas man was convicted of contributing to a deadly road rage accident, a judge ordered several humiliating restrictions on him, which included carrying a photo of the wreckage, taking medicine that will make him sick if he drinks alcohol and telling people he is from Texas.

The man was also told he could only drive a car with less than 130 horsepower or any car made by Hyundai.

The judge ended up waiving all the restrictions when he realized being from the same state as George W. Bush was humiliating enough.

2004-09-16T22:27:00.000-04:00

The Apprentice
In the latest episode of The Apprentice, contestants competed to sell ice cream and the winning team used a donation to a charity to sell more ice cream. Not surprisingly, the money went to the Donald Trump Casino Charity.

2004-09-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

What is this a picture of?

A. The aftermath of a hurricane

B. A drunk driver's accident

C. Billy Joel's drive to the corner store

2004-09-15T22:13:00.000-04:00

Martha's Appeal
Martha Stewart says she wants to start her five month prison sentence as soon as possible instead of waiting for her appeal to be heard. When asked why, she said the sooner she can get back to running her company, the sooner she can stop the party her employees have been having since she's been gone.

2004-09-01T22:34:00.000-04:00

Passion Payout
Mel Gibson's film "The Passion of the Christ" has sold 4.1 million copies in one day and is predicted to gross close to $400 million dollars. Not surprisingly, donations to the poor are predicted to drop by $400 million dollars.

2004-08-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

Trump U.
Donald Trump has filed a patent to secure the trademark Trump University. Not surprisingly, the mascot for the school will be the Fighting Toupees.

2004-08-17T22:56:00.000-04:00

Earth's Body
Scientist are attempting to give the Earth a full-body scan, by collecting thousands of measurements of the Earth over a 10 year period. Not surprisingly, they determined the "arm pit" area of the Earth is centered in Detroit.

2004-08-13T13:52:00.000-04:00

More Multiple Choice Quiz:

What is this a picture of?

A. The effects of a hurricane on a pier

B. A large wave crashing on a Florida coastline

C. A Reuben Studdard cannonball dive

2004-08-09T23:45:00.000-04:00

Republican Ads
The Republicans have released television ads saying John Kerry's war records are a lie and he exaggerated his injuries in Vietnam. Not surprisingly, the Democrats have released similar ads saying President Bush's Vietnam record is a lie and he did show up for National Guard duty.

2004-07-29T16:06:00.000-04:00

Kerry's Ride
John Kerry traveled to the Democratic National Convention by taking a water taxi across Boston harbor. Not only that, he let John Edwards wear the captain's hat and blow the taxi's horn.

2004-07-26T21:58:00.000-04:00

Kucinich's Followers
Former Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich said that he is fully endorsing John Kerry and is urging his supporters to do the same. As a result, John Kerry received a campaign contribution from the Deaf and Blind Association.

2004-07-23T15:56:00.000-04:00

GOP Headache
Michael Moore's movie "Fahrenheit 9/11" was initially dismissed by Republicans but after it made $94 million it is now being seen as a headache for them. Not surprisingly, it has replaced President Bush as the biggest headache for the GOP.

2004-07-22T11:21:00.000-04:00

Kucinich Endorsement
Dennis Kucinich has announced his support for John Kerry as the party's presidential candidate. When asked what he thought of Kucinich's endorsement, Kerry said, "Who?".

2004-07-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

CO2 Ocean
A new study in the journal Science reports that the ocean has absorbed 48 percent of the CO2 in the atmosphere. Not surprisingly, Reuben Studdard has absorbed the other 52 percent.

2004-07-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

Martha Sentenced
After being sentenced to five months in a federal prison for lying to investigators about her sale of ImClone Systems stock, Martha Stewart told the press, "What was a small personal matter became...an almost fatal circus of unprecedented proportion." Not surprisingly, President Bush made the same statement when asked about the war in Iraq.

2004-07-15T14:12:00.000-04:00

Martha's Time
If Martha Stewart is sent to prison she will have to wear prison-issue khaki garb and bathe in communal showers. It will be just like a visit to Neverland Ranch.

2004-07-11T17:05:00.001-04:00

Metallica Documentary
Metallica released a documentary which focuses on the group going through therapy. In a related story, Blockbuster has created a new "Pathetic Videos" category in their stores.

2004-07-11T17:05:00.000-04:00

Frugal Dead
Jeff Smith, also known as the Frugal Gourmet, died in his sleep at the age of 65. Not surprisingly, his remains will be pan fried in a garlic sauce.

2004-07-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

Hamilton vs. Burr
Recreationists reenacted the famous duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr by dressing in period costumes and firing replicas of the .54-caliber pistol that mortally wounded Hamilton. Afterwards, they returned to their parent's basements.

2004-07-10T16:12:00.000-04:00

Campbell the Con
Country singer Glen Campbell, who is serving a 10-day sentence for driving drunk, gave a free concert to inmates at the Maricopa County jail. Not surprisingly, he now has Martha Stewart as a groupie.

2004-07-09T10:45:00.000-04:00

Kenny Boy
Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, who President Bush nicknamed "Kenny Boy", is pleading not guilty in the former energy giant's collapse. Not surprisingly, the nickname will probably be used in prison.

2004-07-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

Bush No-Show
President Bush declined an invitation to speak at the NAACP's annual convention, which is expecting more than 8,000 people. When asked why he declined, Bush said he doesn't know much about car racing.

2004-07-07T13:52:00.000-04:00

Olson Ads
Milk ads featuring the Olsen twins are being pulled due to Mary-Kate entering an eating disorder program. In a related story, they have signed a new deal with Slim·Fast.

2004-07-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

Belt Tightening
Microsoft said it wants to cut costs to save $1 billion dollars. Not surprisingly, they plan to do this by making Bill Gates take a day off.

2004-06-30T17:18:00.000-04:00

Kerry's Funds
John Kerry raised more than $1 million dollars for his campaign during a fund-raising event in Baltimore. Not surprisingly, the event was dinner with his wife.

2004-06-30T17:02:00.000-04:00

Stamos Split
John Stamos, best known for his role as Jesse in the sitcom "Full House", said it has been difficult dealing with his divorce from Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Not only that, he said it has been more difficult being best known for his role as Jesse in the sitcom "Full House".

2004-06-30T16:55:00.000-04:00

Saddam's Crimes
Iraqi authorities have taken custody of former dictator Saddam Hussein and plan to charge him with a long list of crimes, which include using chemical attacks on people, launching three wars and cutting the 'Do Not Remove' tag off his prison mattress.

2004-06-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Fahrenheit 9/11
Michael Moore's documentary, "Fahrenheit 9/11" took in a record $21.8 million in its first three days in theaters. The film has yet to break even, however, since Moore spent over $25 million in craft services.

2004-06-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

NASA Warning
Two astronauts working outside the International Space Station quickly returned inside after hearing Mission Control say, "Something is not right". NASA later clarified that Mission Control had left their headsets on while watching President Bush's latest speech.

2004-06-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

Big Truck
A company in Virginia has built the world's largest truck, which is 24 feet tall and can carry loads up to 400 tons. Not surprisingly, it was built to carry the Bush Administration's excuses for the war in Iraq.

2004-06-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

Affleck's Break
Ben Affleck said he is taking a year off from acting after a string of bad movies and his break up with Jennifer Lopez. The news took many by surprise because they didn't realize he started acting.

2004-06-18T10:50:00.000-04:00

Russian Intelligence
After September 11th and before the start of the Iraqi war, Russian special intelligence warned that Saddam Hussein was planning a terrorist attack on the United States. Unfortunately, the United States didn't take the message seriously since it came from Russian special intelligence.

The United States also said that the intelligence from Russia came too late, since it was sent by carrier pigeon.

2004-06-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

Britney's Tour
Pop singer Britney Spears cancelled her tour due to an injured knee she incurred filming a video. Fortunately for fans, the machine that generates her vocals will continue on with the tour.

2004-06-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

Leona Losing It
The New York Daily News is reporting that hotel queen Leona Helmsley's health may be failing because she has trouble recognizing longtime associates, has gotten lost on several occasions and often appears confused. The Daily News later recalled the story saying they had mistaken Helmsley for President Bush.

2004-06-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

A Delete Scene from The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour:

2004-06-11T09:56:00.000-04:00

Ray Charles
Singer Ray Charles died in Beverly Hills, California due to complications from liver disease. Before he died, he said his only regret was dying at the same time as Ronald Reagan.

2004-06-09T16:56:00.000-04:00

Dogs Hear
Researchers in Germany have discovered a border collie who can understand more than 200 words and learn words as quickly as a child. When he heard the news, President Bush said, "Show off".

2004-06-07T16:01:00.000-04:00

Rumsfeld Pillow Talk
U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says his wife frequently rolls over in bed and asks him where Osama Bin Laden is. Not only that, she also frequently asks him to take the lease off.

Hillary Clinton says she frequently rolls over and asks Bill where he's been all night.

2004-06-04T01:11:00.000-04:00

30 Minutes
Don Hewitt, the creator of "60 Minutes", is developing a mini-version of the show called "30 Minutes", which will focus on local news. Below is another idea Hewitt had for an even shorter version of "60 Minutes", that was rejected:

2004-06-02T14:11:00.000-04:00

McCartney Coke
Ex-Beatle Paul McCartney said he tried heroin once, but preferred cocaine, which he used for a year. Not surprisingly, Rush Limbaugh was quoted as saying McCartney has had a big influence on his life.

2004-06-01T00:44:00.000-04:00

Elvish Classes
A school in Birmingham, England is adding to its curriculum a class on Sindarin, a conversational form of Elvish invented by J.R.R. Tolkien, the author of The Lord of the Ring. Not only that, the school is also offering How to Get a Life 101 and Sex Education 100 for free to anyone taking the class.